Session 5: What Do You Really Want?

The home practice from last week starts the session. But segway into 50:50 awareness.

A short introduction to how balancing 50% of the attention on exterior phenomenon and 50% on interior phenomenon (breath and body) means that every moment is an opportunity to practice.

Everyone finds a partner in the group and practices 50:50 listening. Sharing their experience and insight from the week. One partner speaks and the other listens, then roles are swapped.

But listening and speaking is done in a particular way, with 50% of the attention on the partner and the other 50% on breath and body. Carrying on from the practice.

Just 2 minutes each way and then sharing with the whole group.

Take some masking tape and mark out a large cross on the floor. In each quadrant write and place the following four placards.

• Top Right Quadrant: I’m OK: You’re OK

• Top Left Quadrant: I’m Not OK: You’re OK

• Bottom Right Quadrant: I’m OK: You’re Not OK

• Bottom Left Quadrant: I’m Not OK: You’re Not OK

These ‘life positions’ come from a method of psychoanalytic therapy called Transactional Analysis wherein social transactions are analysed to determine the ego state of the communicator (whether parent-like, child-like, or adult-like) as a basis for understanding behaviour. The concept of life positions was developed by Thomas A. Harris in his book "I'm OK – You're OK," which became a major bestseller in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

The four life positions are:

I'm Not OK, You're OK: This position often develops in early childhood. Children might feel helpless and dependent on adults, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

I'm OK, You're Not OK: This position may arise from feeling victimised or oppressed but can also lead to aggressive or manipulative behaviour towards others.

I'm Not OK, You're Not OK: This is considered the most destructive position, where an individual may feel hopeless or despairing, believing that nothing is right in the world or with themselves.

I'm OK, You're OK: This is the healthiest position and the main goal of transactional analysis therapy. It implies a positive self-image and a positive perception of others. It suggests acceptance and respect for oneself and others, recognising that everyone has value and worth. This position fosters constructive communication and relationships.

Walk around and feel what it is like to have each of these life positions. What kind of things does having such a life position tend to say and think? What is their body posture, how do they move and sit and lie?

Now go to the place where you most like to be

1. Why did you choose this place?

2. What do you get from being in this place?

3. What does it cost you to be in this place?

4. How much of your time are you here?

Now go to the place where you least like to be.

1. Why did you choose this place?

2. What do you get from being in this place?

3. What does it cost you to be in this place?

4. How much of your time are you here?

Now go to the place where you think you belong.

If it the same place as one of the last two positions in which you’ve stood , jump to the last question-

1. Why did you choose this place?

2. What do you get from being in this place?

3. What does it cost you to be in this place?

4. How much of your time are you here?

5. Who told you that this is where you belong?

Instead of, or with the questions (depending on time available) the facilitator can lead a discussion where people can state their reasons and see if they can persuade others to change position, in a lighthearted way.

One insight that can be drawn from this exercise is how we fluctuate between these positions throughout the day. There might be one which is our default, and this can rightly be called a ‘life’ position’, but we wander hither and thither across the OK Corral depending on the environment and expectations of those around us.

In pairs, sitting face to face on chairs opposite each other, knees almost touching. Posture open. No crossed legs and arms. Breathe.

Partner A asks the questions and listens. Just listens. No comments, no judgement. Just listens.

1. Partner A asks partner B: What do you really want?

2. Partner B responds

3. Partner A asks: What will you do to get what you really want?

4. Partner B responds

5. Partner A asks: When you get what you want what will you be?

6. Partner B responds

7. Go back to Step 1

This loop of questions and responses continues way longer than seems necessary. This is to drive home the perniciousness of this loop of craving which frames our experience of mindlessness.

The roles are then reversed, with partner B asking partner A the questions.

Instructions for person answering the questions is to open your body, answer from the heart ,as if your life depended on it.

An opportunity for the group to debrief after that intense exercise.

The practice is guided as in the recording below.